Rocksteady

o, how long has it been? why can't we ever find the time to do the things we love??? well, i have moved on from my days of drifting through life aimless and afraid...direction is what i've achieved! Doing a masters degree at the University of Kent in Canterbury...yep law...i fell back into it, and am falling back in love with it! its strange how the thing that once mad me so miserable has bought so much focus into my life, it centred me and made me realize i can't be young and unhappy for ever!...ya that lil "EMO" in me kinda had to go... needed to make some room for someone older...and happier a lil sun goes a long way! it can literally save a life!
Well, yep, its a bit harder to write now since its been sooo long since i've actually done anything creative!!! have my juices dried up!! its a possibility!! aaaaa(Maculy Culkin, Home Alone hand on cheeks type of aaaaa!!!)

Am i too fickel to fit?
my mind like my eyes dart stupid
from one place to the next.
Bored with what is "in", tired of what they see
with what i receive.
No energy have i to unfold and to look deep,
to disect my world.
I must know how full it is,
how it over flows from one ending to the next beginning
I must see, hear, touch life that surrounds me,
that inhales and exhales so visibly.
It needs discussion, it needen't be mistreated.
But alas, i am lazy.
I am easily distracted by what's true and my lies...
always hungry, or behind.
I bite permaturely, tasting the bitter and disappointing,
lick the stuff that breaks my heart along with the thriling.
I have laughed a baby's laugh,
and once felt innocence course raging spirits in my being.
Giggled hicups and wept joy, it hasn't been enough.
Should i share with them that?
Fill my words with effervescence and pink?
But alas, i am too dime.
I have not the phrases and the skill,
cannot capture its exactness,
so i will not burn in the exposure.
Maybe i should relate then the darkness through and through,
recall in a tete-a-tete
my misfortunes
and flowing red?
Prehaps the dark is easier then the light,
easier to explain,
using harsh lyrics and course language in vain.
Everyone loves a tragic tale...we real in misery.
But mon-deau i haven't the courage.
i shall shrivel away as they approach
recoil at a whisper and release all my strength
who then claims it?
Do i fit?

i can't believe how little i have to do...the most i get up to is obsess about having nothing to do all day, its suprising how exhausting it is. I hate myself for scheduling my pee breaks, food breaks and brush my teeth breaks around whats on on T.V.. i don't feel right if i miss an epsd of Doctor Who! is that wrong!!! have i become a dedicated under achiever? am i just sitting here wasting resources that could other wise be better wasted some place else, for a person less paraciticle than myself! "self indulgent pittiesville" here i come

Imaginary life
looking through the eyes of a grey head
a wrinkled sheet, on an old mans bed.
His line heavy with cotton
with old stains from spills long forgotten.
The sun's on his bold
as he folds his whites and blues
Oblivious maybe that his time is near
it may just come soon.

The young and their fiery calm
with their carefree ways.
Limber and wild, with black stories of piercing alarms
and rants and raves, with purging for days.
For you my darlings its never too late
So tie me up and let me come too
past other tragedies and into sudden age
we'll stand face to face with the moon!
Oblivious that our time is now near
it might just come too soon

i was sat alone one sunny afternoon. the complete lack of wind kept everything around me so still, i even felt just a little paralized. as my mind started to drift some place far from my physical being, something insided of me made its way to the surface. it then started to seep out of me. the sensation was so overwhelming it left me speechless and a little empty. i was mind dumb but free.

it!
i needed it,
but i felt it going down my knees so grand, so freely.
i saw it, and released it, out my eyes so kneenly.
Hear it, pouring past my lips, it drips,
slowly out my feet.
It's streaming

so...
Now i don't feel complete,
somehow i won't be unique,
it's gone
it's in you
from me

So do you need it?
Come feel it, seeping out so black, so bleakly.
Come see it, release
and free it
pouring out the kitchen sink, secretly.
See it
it's coming outmy feet
it's streaming
thick ink

And...
Now i don't feel complete,
somwhow now i wont be unique
my sleeps gone,
the dreams are in you
from me.

I saw it it leave,
I sat alone
all alone,
did i cry? could i breathe
all alone
i was waiting to be consoled!
full blown,
i screamed into the morning dew,
i saw it weeping too.

Now i can't feel unique
somehow now i don't feel complete
now that it's gone
it's done
will you feel unique?

so this is my second entry and am feeling good. Been job hunting, well looking through the classified and ooohing and aaaring at all the great jobs i don't qualify for. its a bit frustrating, but what part of life isn't these days. I watch alot of reality T.V,m you know really interesting stuff like The Hill and Wife Swap and lets not forget everyones fav...Britny and K.Feds K.OTIK, what a shocking display that was. so yeah i think i know a bit about frustration, never mind the fact that it's not mine and some of it might be a bit of an egsager, but i think its a reflection of life, a true one? maybe not so much, but a reflection of some sort nontheless! yeah, am a bit of a couch potatoe! a habit am easing out of.

Realizing my dying dream, just a little tto late,
deep in sleep, while my reality keeps the boundaries od decite
around a hole punched soul, a tear stained goal,
with nowhere to go but home.
Pencile or pen, paper on her lap,
clap, calp moving to his beat,
not my own,
along his crumpled sheet.
All the while a smile, cheek to cheek with the perfect frown
matured like wine and nurtured by a time of bearable, managable grief.

Hair covered eyes behind the black carpet.
Lonley long and longed for, caressing her till old.
Never cold, but shivering for too long,
from her hurt, moulding her till old.

Realizing my dream a little too early,
a little too girly i her reach
and fragile meek speach...
Not sure and desperate for a sneek peek
found only on her pillow as they sleep.

Longing to travel, see, touch and to breathe
Behind eyelids red to the light
Waiting she is, but patiently putting life on hold
What's important now can never be to her future
so placed on her bare shelf to be pulled out,
maybe later.

That is a little something i wrote a while back while i wa still at University. Insteady of studying HARD and ready endlessly irritating and mind numbing cases and articles, i was writing poems about how my life is over! I wasn't much of a law student, think that's probably why i passed with a second class second division, that's like a 60 percent agarigate...if only i had applied myself!!!!
no regrets though, i got a lot of "work done".

So now am looking for any kind of work anywhere in the world as long as it's not toilet scrubbing or anything that goes contrary to my mothers morels!! P.A to Linda Perry would be a great start, or to a publishing comp. or any thing in musik...yes i am desperate and trying hussl, as best i can! think i'll try alot harder later, right now am destessing, thats why i love to blog. it's not too out of my element cause its like talking to myself, which is something i do on a regular basis, i just have so much going on in my head.
i think its about time i hooked up some pictures or something, i don't want my millions of readers getting bored...can someone please read THIS!!! it's been like three days and still nothing, am getting a little discouraged... really.
till next i write
watch this space

how hard is life? really!!? i've been at it for nearly 24 years and i still don't have a grip on it. i know where i want to go but i don't quite know how to get there. i know exactly who i want to be, but am not sure if am her yet, and what it takes to be that person. Coming from a tiny land locked country..yes the only country that is completely landlocked by one country...Lesotho for all those who didn't know....it is really hard to get out there. With the internet being our only real escape, it's hard to go through those experiances that help to discover who you are and where you want to go. ok so i might know,and have had some eye openers under my belt but ther are no tools to show me HOW to get there, and that's where am at now. i have no idea HOW.
I just finished University last year september and am now the proud holder of a degree in law and i'm not sure i want to be a LAWYER! imagine that!! i don't feel like i wasted those years in school cause at least i'll have a degree to fall back on, and those years in school actually got my creative juices going. i hated school so much that with all the venting i was able to re read what i wrote and i discovered i wasn't too shabby...i was actually quite GOOD. i am just worried now that i'll waste the next 5 years completely clueless on where to go next, and what to do. i love to write, espercially poems and what i like to think are really good lyrics to songs without a tune..yet, but i don't know what to do with them. i guess that's wwwwhy i figured setting up a blog would help me release some of what's inside me and will not only inspire me to move forward with my writting, but to find some one out there who can not only help me out with it, but to just... i don't know, read what i have to say and give me some constructive crits..not too harsh mind, am still young and easily wounded. so Linda Perry (former 4 non Blonds)if your reading this holla back.. I L.O.V.E your work!
till next i write
so all you creative souls out there, watch this space, a whole lot should be going on in it